30 Days of Madness, Day 9 — Zombeavers (2014)

by Tom Kapr

Wherein I attempt to watch one new-to-me horror film every day of October till Halloween and write a quick review. I will end my review with a letter grade like we do on our podcast (A, B, C, D, or F–pluses and minuses are for the non-committal!) and with the movie’s rank on my Flickchart.

zombeavers

 

Directed by Bite Me. Written by Who Gives a Dam.

This is the worst movie I’ve watched since our Junk January podcast. I knew they weren’t all gonna be Body Snatchers and Jarmusch films, but this is real bottom of the barrel. And it has a Fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes? Y’all be trippin’.

I’ll be the first to admit that a horror movie about killer beavers has been long overdue. They’re terrifying creatures, and they have killed people. It’s the teeth. Those long sharp incisors are used to cut down trees. They can sever an artery quicker than anything with fangs can. I’ve been bitten by rodents, dogs, cats, birds, a turtle, and a snake; I even have a scar on my shoulder from a squirrel. Rodent bites are the worst. I will take any of those critters chomping into me over a beaver bite.

Anyway, here’s everything I jotted down throughout the course of the film (and a few things I didn’t). SPOILERS AHEAD.

- Oh good. Girls who use the terms “bi-atch” and “sooo awesoooomme.”

- Ah, dick pics. Just I wanted to see.

- I have to spend the movie with these girls? The beavers cannot start killing quick enough.

- Have a feeling I’m going to have to endure a doggie death first.

- “Why are girls attracted to assholes?” Probably similar to why guys are attracted to vacuous bimbos.

- Oh my god, this girl can’t die fast enough. [Note from the future: She in fact is the only one to make it to the final frame. Still dies, but it comes about 76 minutes too late.]

- Rex Linn, finally bringing a little bit of something good to the proceedings.

- Oh no, the beavers are making Critters noises.

- How does this girl even have friends?

- And now three equally unbearable guys. Hooray.

- THIS is the “great guy” these two girls were talking about earlier? He’s a complete tool!

- Finally, a beaver attack! And it’s… awful. Even the creature effects suck. And a bat does not split through flesh like that.

- So this guy is like the Matthew Lillard of the group. A low-rent Matthew Lillard. If such a thing is possible.

- I hate every character in this movie.

- Jenn. Your friends suck. Get new friends.

- “That was another fucking beaver!” Just a sample of the brilliant dialogue.

- So their making jokes about this girl’s small tits while their now foot-less friend is bleeding out?

- Hey! That dog’s life preserver disappeared between shots!

- This is so lame. An actual live beaver could kill so much more efficiently.

- And, not only do I have to endure a doggie death, this guy picks up the dog and throws it into the water as a distraction. He must die a horrible death. [Note from the future: If having your junk torn out by your former girlfriend after she's turned into a zombeaver counts as a horrible death... yeah, he did.]

- Why has this girl not totally flipped out on this guy for murdering her dog?

- I. HATE. THIS. MOVIE.

- A tree felled by the beavers stops them from driving down the road. A tree I could lift and move by myself. Also, has anyone who worked on this film ever seen at least a photograph or a drawing of what a beaver-felled tree looks like? They don’t use hatchets.

- And now a line stolen from Die Hard. These bastards.

- This guy got his foot chewed off 30 minutes ago. He’s been sprawled on two separate couches. Never keeps his leg elevated. Dummy.

- Movie, will you PLEASE kill this guy.

- Trying to create sympathy and be tongue-in-cheek at the same time. Over and over. Fail after fail.

- So, the one non-asshole in the movie and the one character who is almost sympathetic suddenly turns into a zombeaver-human monster hybrid. Didn’t see that coming. Now we’re only left with “caring” about the two who are left–the ones who cheated on her. This movie is just a bunch of assholish people and they’re all intolerable.

- OK. The zombear is a funny touch. You get ONE point, movie.

- And now why this earnest piano music at the end? Oh, because it’s supposed to be funny when she gets hit by the car. THE END.

Man, I hated this movie. And the four of you who picked it for me can bite me. You know you are.

Final grade: F

My Flickchart ranking: #3202 (out of 3256, a relative 2/100)

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